i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize