yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
