When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
