im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
