I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
did i walk over a car last night?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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