Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize