we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
