I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
