I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
