i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
