He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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