I got chris browned last night
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
