Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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