im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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