So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
