I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Randomize
