You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
