I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
