Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
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