bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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