Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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