Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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