you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
