you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
