How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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