did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
