she woke up with a sticky ear
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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