Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize