The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
