we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
