I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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