it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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