I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
where are my eyebrows?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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