the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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