I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
