Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
