tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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