He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
