I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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