Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
