Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
