My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Did I show you my penis last night?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
