dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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