Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
