took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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