You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize