WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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