you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
