It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
