oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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