Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
