I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Randomize