Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
as a side note pls kill me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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