I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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