My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
