Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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