We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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