Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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