would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
