Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
