genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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