Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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