mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
