If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
